One of the primary reasons I moved to Japan was to try and replicate the effects that Peace Corps had on my personality. Palau broke me down by removing all my comforts and replacing them with simple pleasures, minimalism, and an atmosphere of bleak English.
This next island still has warm temperatures, fishing, and tourism. But my ability to get by with English is weakened. And I have internet at home. And I'm getting paid real money for my work, and real expectations follow real money.
Japan is challenging in different ways, but it's still stripped me of confidence. I vacillate between feeling sorry for myself for knowing so little Japanese to fulfillment after hearing what I'm studying in actual conversation. I compare my learning to fictional JETs who all know more than me - a very unproductive practice. I let a couple of 'trouble' students bring me down. I beat myself up when games fail in elementary class. I allow paranoia to creep in when I don't get affirmations.
But I love it (not when I'm sad for myself, but the rest of the time it's great). I am broken down right now. This is when there isn't any fluidity in my blog posts or letters (and I write egocentricly for my own affirmation). I don't know who my friends in Japan are, or if I have any. I can't communicate. I felt 'challenged out' in the States, but here I can't even turn to the neighboring teacher to ask how I'm doing.
I don't know who I will be when I come away from this experience, but it's fun to be in the middle of the transformation.
2 comments:
I know exactly how you feel, except with english.
it doesn't matter where you are, if you want to transform, you can find it within yourself. you are surrounded by love and appreciation, your eyes are just closed. being too hard on yourself is, by far, worse than any of the insecurities you could ever dream up.
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